For the most part, people want the same thing from a romantic partner. People want spouses and partners who are:
- Understanding
- Appreciative
- Respectful
- Caring and kind
- Helpful
- Trustworthy
- Positive
- Fun to be around
Relationships are difficult to maintain when they are filled with conflict, negativity and a lack of trust.
So, what does it take to maintain a healthy relationship?
People in long-term, satisfying relationships tend to do the following (this advice is adapted from Montgomery, Cole and Bradac, and Canary and Stafford's work on Relational Maintenance):
Slow, but Consistent - Relationships work the best when people go slow and take their time getting to know each other. Whirlwind romances usually end in disaster. It also helps to be consistently supportive and encouraging. Inconsistent behavior causes misunderstandings and uncertainty.
Keep Things Upbeat - Relationships work the best when partners express a positive and upbeat attitude towards each other. Genuine displays of happiness and affection go a long way when trying to make a relationship work. By contrast, relationships fail when indifference, anger and negativity become the norm. In fact, even a little negativity can create a lot of problems in a close relationship. This does not mean that people cannot express negative feelings in a relationship, but that there are appropriate (and inappropriate) ways of dealing with one’s negative feelings (see, talk about problems).
Approach Problems Together - Couples feel closer and are more satisfied with their relationships when they approach problems and difficulties as a team. Couples who take an US versus the PROBLEM, rather than a YOU versus ME approach to conflict are much happier in the long run.
Don't Take Each Other For Granted - Over time, couples typically take each other for granted. At the start of a relationship people appreciate all the things that their partners do for them. However, as time goes on, people tend to expect more, but acknowledge a partner's contributions less often. To keep a relationship happy and healthy it is important to show appreciation on a consistent basis.
Appreciate Differences - Relationships work the best when partners have a lot in common, but respect and appreciate the differences that do exist. It helps to appreciate someone for who they are rather than try to change them or how they behave (see,relationship dynamics).
Be Approachable - People need to be able to talk freely with a romantic partner. Sharing what is going on in one’s life and how one feels about issues is important to do. But, being open with a partner is not always easy because it requires spouses to tell the truth and to LISTEN to things that may be difficult to hear. Listening in an attempt to UNDERSTAND, not control, evaluate, or judge is critical to having an satisfying relationship.
Express Commitment - Relationships work the best when partners reassure each other of their love and commitment. It never hurts to tell a spouse that you love him or her and that you will always be there.
