We’ve all been here. Every relationship has its ups and downs. Perhaps you’ve been in a relationship so long that the fire has started to die out. At that point, one or both of you might start to look around.
Or perhaps you’ve been dating someone for a little while and think it could develop into something, but you’re concerned she’s drawing away. Now it’s a matter of time before the axe falls.
These are two very different situations. I’ll talk about each of them in detail.
To start with, remember that the decision is ultimately hers. If your girlfriend has decided to move on, then there probably isn’t a whole lot you can do to change her mind…or is there? Either way, there are some steps you can take which will prevent her from wanting to get out in the first place.
The Short Term Relationship
Okay, you meet a woman and the two of you hit it off. You have a few dates and start to draw a little closer, then suddenly she’s drawing away. You wonder what went wrong and how you should react.
Don’t Be Needy
One of the big problems guys have in a relationship is coming on too strong. This is a fine line, because you want to let her know what’s on your mind. At the same time, the last thing you want to do is come off as needy.
If you’ve been sending flowers and notes and you’re trying to call her everyday, you might think that is “worshipping the ground she walks on”. Those may not be the signals she’s receiving. A woman in this situation might be wondering why you would be putting out such an effort. The natural conclusion is you have nothing better to do, that you are desperate for attention and therefore not much of a catch.
You have to let the game come to you. There’s obviously something about you she finds attractive. But if you start the flower petal act, your basically letting her know you’re an easy catch. There’s no challenge to you, and she’ll eventually figure she can find someone better.
Don’t Confide
I’m not saying you shouldn’t tell her any of your secrets. I’m telling you to be careful and not tell her too many of your secrets.
Once again, this is coming on too strong. If you share one or two skeletons in your closet, she might think, “He’s opening up.” If you start to tell her your entire life and you’re wanting advice and positive feedback, she’s going to think you’re a little creepy.
For one, she’ll wonder why you don’t have someone else to confide in about this stuff. Two, you probably don’t want all this negative stuff to be what is informing her opinions of you. Wait a while and let your past fall into its proper context. She might even think you are mysterious. Really, it couldn’t hurt.
Long Term Relationship
This is a whole different creature. The two of you have a long history. The two of you have been committed to one another, working through the good times and the bad times. But suddenly the two of you are fighting more, or there doesn’t seem to be any spark left in your relationship.
In this case, you probably have some time to assess what’s going on. This is when “loss prevention” is at its best.
It’s natural to have these lulls in a long term relationship. Studies show that special endorphins are released when we “fall in love”. After a few years, these endorphins stop being produced. This is the old “seven year itch” effect. It will never be the same as when you got together, but it can still be good. Try to put new life into the old relationship.
Return to the Beginning
What was it that attracted the two of you to one another in the first place?
You probably need to get back to basics. Try to do things and say things which remind her of the good old days.
Consider having dinner at the restaurant you ate at on your first date (presuming you don’t continue to do this every Friday night, of course). If there was something the two of you used to do together but stopped doing, then plan that activity again.
Put Out More Effort
This is an outgrowth of the previous suggestion. If you have gotten too comfortable in your romance, then you probably don’t put out much of an effort for it anymore.
Think about it. This is presumably the most important relationship in your life. You want all these things out of it, so you need to put time back into it. Maybe you like the fact that you can relax and enjoy life without the hassle, but that’s not the way the world works. Women may be “high maintenance”, but then they should be.
A new relationship is like a new car. You can stop doing routine maintenance and eventually the car will start to break down and fall apart. Is it any wonder that a woman might eventually decide to buy a new car?
So show her you’re interested in the relationship. If you’ve been together a while and been through a lot of things, she’ll notice and give you a lot of credit.
Get Romantic
Finally, try to bring romance back into the romance. It can’t all be about the past.
Find new and fresh things to do. Get out of the usual pattern. If the sex life around the house is stale, rent a hotel room for the night. It’s amazing what a change of scenery can do for the love life.
Talk
I put this one last for a reason. Sure, you can confront her and tell her you think she’s leaving. Either you’re right and she’s going to either deny it or tell you, “Yeah, I’ve had thoughts”. Or you’ll be wrong and she’ll deny it. Either way, she’s either telling you it’s over or your making accusations. That’s not a good way to win her back.
Don’t get me wrong; there is no bigger part of a relationship than communication. But the art of communication is in the timing of it.
Once again, let the game come to you. Do the nostalgic stuff. Do the romantic thing. Show more interest in her life and generally put more effort into the relationship. She’ll notice, and eventually she’ll bring up the subject. That’s your opening to talk about what’s on your mind, in a situation where you’ve demonstrated you’re taking steps to make the relationship better.
Of course, if things have gotten to the point that she’s on the way out the door, you can’t exactly afford to let the game come to you. At that point, talking is the only recourse you have. You might have to invert my advice for helping the long term relationship, and promise to do all of the above.
It’s Out of Your Hands
In the end, relationships are one big improvisation. You might not be able to follow my advice on paragraph at a time. But try a combination of all of these, and you woman will give you credit for the effort.
If your girlfriend is going to leave you, there’s ultimately not a whole lot you can do. Try to make yourself as attractive as possible. Show her you’re willing to make the effort. If that isn’t enough, you’ve done everything you could. If you are taking the steps listed above, it will not be hard to find someone else who will appreciate it!
