And then things go back to the way they were before.
And if you've ever given a man an ultimatum - you know that NEVER works.
So what are we supposed to do when a man we just KNOW is right for us - for forever - seems to be drifting away, talking about "being friends,"and losing interest and all his intensity about us?
If you're at all like I was, the harder a man makes it for you, the harder you try to smooth things over and make it easy for HIM.
And it took me my whole life to discover that making it easy for a man has it's good points and its bad points - only all the good points are for HIM, and all the bad points are for us women.
Making it easy for a man makes him want to stick around - I mean - who wouldn't?
Making it easy for a man is saying: "Here I am, delicious, entertaining, sexy, understanding, nice, and I cook and do massages for free."
And that's a great resume for a "friend" - especially a "friend with benefits" - but it doesn't make a man want to lay down his freedom to get you to be with him forever.
The weird thing is - almost all men have this idea that a "real" woman - a "worthwhile" woman - just IS hard to get.
A man can usually smell a "game" a mile away.
(Actually, almost all of us can sense when someone we're with has low self-esteem but is PRETENDING to be confident.)
So a "game" only works for a little while.
The qualities of this ideal of a "real, worthwhile" woman most men have in their brains (yes, even the "nerds" have the same ideal of a hard-to-get, much-in-demand woman) can't be bought or "pretended."
You can't do it with clothes and hair and makeup (just look at some of the wealthy, gorgeous, famous women out there who have just as much trouble in relationships as we do), it has to come from INSIDE you.
That's why therapy and counseling and self- help books are so popular - we all KNOW that strength and confidence have to come from inside us - but it seems like an impossible task.
And yet, confidence is not impossible at all!
I know that if I did it - and I was once total jelly inside (so mushy I worked hard to adapt myself to any man I liked - I tried to become what HE wanted instead of even having a clue about who I was MYSELF) - then I know you can, too!
It's a step-by-step, Tool-by-Tool process, and it doesn't have to take years - it can take days.
You'll be surprised what a little understanding, a truckload of my easy Tools, and just a tiny bit of bravery - way less than I KNOW you have already - can do to transform your love life.
Here's a new Tool to help you with this whole trick of NEVER letting a man be SO important to your well-being that HE comes first.
Let's call this Tool: NO CLOSURE.
Well, first, what's "Closure"?
Closure ISN'T what we usually think of it as - that "final" knowing that a relationship is over, and finally getting to say EVERYTHING that's been on your mind, get it out and have him hear it.
Closure can simply be having the final word in a simple conversation.
It can be about "owing" what time he's picking you up, or knowing if he'll ever call, or knowing what will happen next week.
And Closure is the thing we try to get about all these things that leave us feeling uncertain.
It's that feeling of "If I could just know for sure..."
The thought that you NEED to have the "final" word. That you need to be "heard."
And this Tool is so you forget all about those things.
I want you to forget about EVER getting Closure - about anything.
Forget about ever understanding anything completely, or getting everything you want to say out on the table, or finally feeling heard and understood by HIM.
The need for Closure is what drives us to try to control every moment in our lives.
So what would it be like if you never got any Closure?
I know it sounds awful.
We want to hear from his lips crystal clear exactly where we stand and exactly what he's thinking and feeling, and exactly what's going on.
But the problem is, HE might not even know!
A man may value you so much that he doesn't want to lose you from his life, but he doesn't know exactly what to do to keep you.
The only thing any of us have to go on is what's actually happening RIGHT NOW, and how it FEELS. So...
1. Imagine feeling as though a man doesn't exist in your life unless he's right in front of you.
2. Imagine your OWN "Degree of Difficulty" being really, really HIGH.
***I fully explain and guide you through getting a High Degree of Difficulty in my Targeting Mr. Right program, and for now I'll just define it here as: How hard a man has to work to get you and keep you.
This is not about being "High Maintenance" and "Dramatic."
This is not about you being so busy that you don't have time for a man.
This is not about you pretending not to care, or deliberately not answering calls or playing the "game" of "hard-to-get."
It's about you actually BEING a sought after woman, who all men find attractive and interesting - pretty much by just BELIEVING you are!
So - your degree of difficulty is directly related to your real self-confidence, and that's what we're going to raise by this "No Closure" Tool.
No Closure is about never putting a "finish" on things.
Never asking for a "finish," or a "wrap-up" or a "de-briefing" or even a "clear understanding."
It's about letting go of conversations, letting go of phone calls, letting go of ever hearing from him again, letting go of trying to figure out what that "look in his eye" meant, or what those things he said to you "really meant" or any of that.
And because not asking for, looking for, expecting, or getting Closure is something we are SO uncomfortable with and unused to - NO CLOSURE requires one major thing.
It requires that you -
3. Listen to and trust YOURSELF.
This means - listen to and trust your FEELINGS.
So, go ahead and imagine right now that YOU are EXPENSIVE - meaning you have High VALUE, a High Degree of Difficulty, and you're very hard to get - NOT because you're "difficult to be with," but because you ALWAYS go with your FEELINGS.
What would that look like?
Well, let's say it's something simple.
He hasn't called in three days, the weekend is coming up, and you don't have a date with him yet.
You check your cell phone to make sure he didn't leave a message, you check your email to make sure he didn't leave a message.
Well, you can imagine what's going on in your head.
"He's in an accident. He forgot. He tried to call but couldn't get through. He has family issues. Things are rough at work. He's overwhelmed by the idea of a relationship. Something's wrong. He's dumping me..."
You could probably go on for hours on just this one thing.
So, what's the No Closure thing to do?
The "No Closure" thing to do is to...
4. DO NOTHING.
That means - not try to piece it together, or understand it, or make sense of it, or put a lid on your feelings, or send him good thoughts, or ANYTHING.
So - how do you do that?
Start by practicing No Closure in small ways in small moments.
Let's say he glazes over for a second while you're talking, or he forgets about you while he's watching the ball game on TV and drinking beer in the recliner.
Let's say he hasn't told you he loves you yet, though you've said it to him.
Instead of assuming that he doesn't care, or worrying about what he's thinking, what if you just turned your attention ELSEWHERE?
I know that when you're all bound up in a man, there doesn't seem to BE an elsewhere - but there really, truly is.
Every man out there - and there are SO MANY - is a possible "Elsewhere."
Think of the possibilities.
If every man out there is looking for a woman with some "degree of difficulty," what can you do to raise yours?
Closure is something we want when we have NO degree of difficulty.
When we have a High Degree of Difficulty, we believe the truth - that...
5. We have Choices!
If you'd like extra help with being in a place where you truly believe you have Choices, where you BELIEVE you have a High Degree of Difficulty so that you can stop even THINKING about "Closure," my Targeting Mr. Right program will get you on track.