Get His ATTENTION & Stop His Neglect This Way
Do you ever feel like NO relationship will EVER work?
At least not the way you'd like it to - smooth and easy, loving, exciting, fun, sexy?
Maybe it would start out great, he might start out like Prince Charming, but then it all fades away and you're left with a guy who's only half- there?
He forgets to call, forgets to show up on time, forgets your birthday?
He forgets to make the reservation, forgets the directions, and asks you to pay for dinner?
He only seems to want sex, and even then, he seems to have better things to do?
AFFECTION and ATTENTION are things of the past?
It feels awful when even one of these things happens.
But when they all seem to happen at once, it's TERRIFYING.
I remember feeling as though the bottom had dropped out of everything.
As though I must have been in a dream, and then suddenly found myself awake in the middle of a nightmare.
The thing that I had to learn to stop beating myself up about was that the nightmare kept happening over and over again.
It was so PREDICTABLE.
I'd get with a man and go from dream to nightmare in nothing flat.
Sometimes it took a week, sometimes two, sometimes a year.
I felt absolutely helpless over my own romantic destiny.
When I finally figured out that the same nightmare results were coming not from my luck or my looks, but from the same MISTAKES I was making over and over - things started to change.
I stepped back just enough to SEE things a bit more clearly.
And I started to identify EXACTLY what my mistakes were.
And then - and it seemed like an overnight transformation - I was finally able to take some control over what was happening to me.
I almost instantly got totally different results.
Instead of finding myself in the middle of a nightmare where I felt hurt most of the time, I found myself having fun.
I discovered I had CHOICES where I used to think the choice was all the man's.
I discovered I had some POWER over myself and my life that I didn't know I had.
I felt better.
Better men showed up.
I didn't know about BRIDGING then (If you haven't read yet about Bridging, it's in my Commitment Blueprint program, which you can read about here:
I tried out "dating" many men at the same time - and within a week, my husband showed up!
For 5 months - instead of ME being held on HIS string - he became just another man in my Dating Rotation.
When he wanted to move in with me, I made the same speech I suggest for you (with your own style and your own words - just make sure you use "Feeling Messages" and "Don't Want Messages" from my eBook and the Toolkit).
I said "It would feel great to be with you. I feel awkward and excited even talking about this. And I don't want...a boyfriend or a live-in relationship at this point in my life. I'm looking to be married and be a mother. So, until you're sure you want marriage and fatherhood, it would feel better to just date and keep my options open."
The story is much longer (and a lot of it is in my eBook), but the ending is pretty terrific.
One of the biggest mistakes I made my whole love life, until just before I met my husband, was chasing men.
But - I didn't know I was chasing them!
I thought I was being cool, and sweet, and loving - and NORMAL.
Yet, I was actually making every one of my 10 Mistakes and plenty more.
One of the ways I was chasing men was in Overfunctioning, Overgiving, Overnurturing, and generally making the man the center of my life.
Even though I was very, very busy in my professional life (I was an actress always doing plays, going on auditions and filming when I got a job), whatever man I was with STILL FELT like the absolute center of my world.
HE and my romantic life were just head and shoulders the most important thing.
And that's just about the worst mistake any one of us can make.
HERE'S A LETTER from "Lillian," exactly how she wrote it and sent it to me, and she really shows us how easy it is to fall into that mistake:
"Hi Rori, I have a boyfriend of 4 months. I love him verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry much and he loves me. But my problem is that I can't control my feelings (I tell him "I love you" all the time, sending him amazing mails and messages - but he DOESNT). He told me several times I love you but not as much as I do. For example, I sent him a lovely email yesterday. I checked my mail but I didn't find any thing back at all!?!! I went to my computer and the passion filled me - I wanted to receive a mail from him but THERES NOTHING !!! SO PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO? "Lillian"
Because Lillian's situation is so common to so many of us, and because she expresses the pain and frustration of it so well, I asked to answer it here in an eLetter.
It's really helpful to see how Lillian's situation is a perfect example of an Imaginary Relationship.
An Imaginary Relationship, as opposed to a Real Relationship, is where YOU feel like you're already to the end point of the relationship - where it's all signed, sealed and delivered - even before you have any real indication from him about where HE'S at.
Where you can't help CHASING him, because you need him to hurry up and get to where you already are on the Relationship Timeline. (The Relationship Timeline is what I call the whole experience with a man from the moment you meet him until you walk off into the sunset with him, fully committed.
And when you're out in front on the Relationship Timeline, you can't help feeling bad - because he's always BEHIND YOU!
It feels like he's "dragging his feet" or on- purpose not giving you what you want.
When the truth is - he's just doing exactly what he wants to do.
And chasing him or getting behind him and trying to push him forward in the relationship - no matter how gently, subtly or carefully and sweetly we do it - will ONLY RESULT in pushing him further AWAY.
To learn more bout Bridging to your Happy Ever After, how to tell an Imaginary Relationship from a Real Relationship - and how to trigger your man's NEED to COMMIT to you for LIFE - take a look at my Commitment Blueprint program.
The Blueprint will help you avoid and get OUT of all the "pits" and "traps" we women are practically TRAINED to fall into - even if you feel like you're in the pit of "just friends" or "jealousy" or even "obsession" right now - take a look at the Blueprint right here:
***Let's bring in some Tools now to help you - so you never again find yourself in Lillian's situation:
FIRST, DON'T TRY TO "CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS."
The part in Lillian's letter that can help so much to use my Rori Raye Tools is when she says she "can't control her feelings."
The important thing to know here is - there's a big difference between "Feelings" and "What we do."
Not only can't we control our feelings, we don't want to!
It works totally against us to try to stuff down, reign in, or change our feelings.
Feelings are our FRIENDS, not our enemies.
All of them - even the ones we don't particularly like - can help us bring the love we want closer and keep it forever.
Feelings are our compass in this world.
Our emotions are how we tell what's going on with us inside, and also - what's really going on in our world.
How we feel at any given moment is the RESULT of our emotions getting "Triggered" by something.
And here, Lillian is not only getting triggered and feeling the good stuff - LOVE and PASSION for this man - she's getting triggered and feeling the bad stuff.
She's feeling COMPELLED to TELL HIM what she feels - all the time - even when it doesn't work well for her to do so.
Even when it ends up making her feel bad.
But the problem isn't so much with her telling him she loves him.
The problem is that she EXPECTS HIM to tell her he loves her, too.
And then, just as we all would, she feels bad when he doesn't.
In a way, Lillian is keeping score.
She figures if she tells him she loves him, then he'll tell her he loves her.
She's, in a weird way that we ALL do - giving to get.
Every time she sends an email, it's like an instruction to him to send her one back.
And if he doesn't, she feels upset.
So, in looking at it this way, what is she to do?
WE HAVE A CHOICE ABOUT WHAT WORDS WE USE WHEN WE TALK TO A MAN
We have power!
If Lillian, or any one of us, feel love for a man, and choose to express it - like, "I feel so much love in my heart when I see your beautiful face" - then EXPRESSING it (without any caring at all what happens or what he does after we express it) has to be ALL we want.
If there's even a tiny, tiny bit of expecting him to do the same - then we'll push him away.
He won't feel our love, he'll feel PRESSURE.
He won't feel our open heart and body and passion just ready for him to dive into - he'll feel our expectation.
He'll feel that we want something from him.
And that feeling of being pushed and pulled will send ANY man running for the hills.
To REVERSE this:
1. Step BACK.
I know how hard this is - and yet it WORKS.
It works - as long as you don't FAKE it.
You can't PRETEND to "Step-Back" - that's just old-fashioned "playing hard-to-get" - and though it might work for a day, or even a week, it won't last much more than that.
A man will pick up right away that you're just playing 'a game" - and it will make you come across even needier and more desperate than before - with the ADDED non-attractive quality of him thinking you're dishonest.
The trick here is to NOT play a game - but to actually Step Back for reasons of your OWN.
For GOOD reasons - reasons you've discovered for YOURSELF.
2. Stop Doing "Giving" Things.
No matter how desperate you feel, if you STOP DOING all those giving things you're doing - the words of love, the emails, the reaching out - you will bring him back.
And you can simply STOP doing these things without playing games or making phoney excuses.
The truth is - those things are things YOU'VE been doing for HIM - and so you can stop doing them WITHOUT having to EXPLAIN at all!
Yet, I know how easy it is to just say STOP.
It's like saying "Just relax."
Yeah, it makes sense, but how do you do it?
That's what my Tools are for.
You have me helping you feel so much stronger - so that you can actually stay away from the phone and the computer.
So that you can stop initiating contact and stop initiating "love talk" and stop trying to push and pull him down the Relationship Timeline.
So that you can give him some room to move TOWARD you.
If you'd like even more help to use all the Tools in these eLetters and in my Have The Relationship You Want eBook, try out my Reconnect Your Relationship program.
Not only does Reconnect help you UNDERSTAND how this Stepping Back and Stopping works, in Reconnect I guide you through doing NEW things that work SO MUCH BETTER!
Reconnect is powerful - there are so many amazing Tools, and I teach them too you in a step-by-step way that you can instantly understand and DO - that I know it will help you turn your relationship around overnight, no matter what it feels like right now.
Here's what else you'll learn in my Reconnect program:
- Why trying to hang onto a man never works (even just WANTING to hang onto him is the worst thing you can do)...and the most powerful Tool to quickly REVERSE that in yourself and INSTANTLY STOP a man from withdrawing
- The ONE MISTAKE that makes him LOSE INTEREST faster than anything else, and exactly what to do instead
- How your insecurities can be your biggest ASSET and actually bring a man CLOSE if you use them in this new way I'll talk and walk you through
- How what your friends say about men hating "emotions" is a LIE and exactly how to USE your feelings to have an ADVANTAGE over every other woman...men fall in love with you almost instantly when you learn to talk in this ONE WAY
- How to quickly Undo The Damage and TURN HIM TOWARD YOU - no matter how far away he seems right now
- The ONE CRUCIAL THING you must do to make a man want to COMMIT to you for FOREVER instead of for just the short term...and exactly HOW to do it