When a Woman Falls in Love with a Bad Boy...
One of the more intriguing observations when it comes to primary relationships is that of women who fall in love with men who treat them terribly and, yet, they simply cannot break free from the emotions that tie them together. Whether it's verbal absusiveness, being a player, having a mean disposition, displaying violent tendencies, or any other number of negative traits that leave a woman short-changed in a relationship, these guys get away with murder. The women who have emotionally bonded with them become willing victims in a dance to the death of their own self-esteem.
I've talked with a number of women who have fallen prey to such men. Most eventually recognized the destructive nature of a "bad boy" relationship. However, some either have not yet figured it out or they fully realize their situation and feel absolutely trapped by it.
A co-worker of a dear friend took me home after an automobile breakdown. We had gone out with her and her boyfriend a couple of times. She is a tall, slender, gorgeous late twenty-something blonde who is definitely front cover quality. He is a mid-sized dumpy looking guy who obviously hasn't ever had the experience of putting two thoughts together in the same day. Being an older man who enjoys helping others with their relational issues, she asked me for some advice.
I told her that I would help her in any way that I could.
She began to relate to me how it is that this young man abuses her--emotionally, verbally, and even physically. Yet, she loves him deeply and could not possibly conceive of ever breaking up with him.
Not only that, but she excused his actions based on her understanding that "...he had a very difficult childhood." Besides, she went on to say, he has been hurt by different women in his life and she was confident that she would be the exception that would change his mind and bring him to some kind of normality.
It was all there.
She is the perfect victim.
As we drove down the freeway, I listened to her explain her situation, describe her bad boyfriend, excuse his abusiveness, blame it on others, and tell me what a difference she is going to make in his life. She didn't want my advice. She wanted my approval.
I didn't give it to her.
Instead, I pointed out to her that a truly loving relationship precludes one person abusing the object of their love in any way. I went on to remind her that there are a lot of people who come from terrible family backgrounds who would never mistreat their special someone. Furthermore, her assertion that she was going to be both the exception and the agent of change in this young man's life was a fantasy.
The only way to make a bad boy behave is to demand that his abuse stop immediately or he can hit the road!
She asked for my advice.
She ignored it.
This young woman is so blinded by her misplaced love for the guy that she is absolutely clueless as to what is happening to her. Her inability to see through him exposes her own lack of confidence and poor self image. She has allowed herself to become a slave to her own heart. Her mind recognizes that she has fallen prey to a bad boy but her misguided love for him will not allow her to do what would be best for herself, as well as for him.
What Bad Boys Do...
Women who allow themselves to fall victim to bad boys simply cannot accept that men do not think as they do regarding intimate relationships.
I've had the experience of attempting to inform women who are emotionally tied to these insensitive and inattentive men as to what motivates them.
"Young woman, all this guy wants from you is sex. He is not interested in you as a person nor does he care about you in any way, shape, or form. If it appears that he does care about you, it is only a temporary act to get you into the bed. The truth of the matter is that he will always revert to his true self after satisfying himself at your expense. Don't you get it?"
They usually answer, "Well, yes, I do get it but...."
What they really mean is, "No, I am clueless."
The pattern goes something like this...
- He is good to her
- He is attentive and demonstrates caring
- He is possibly even romantic
- He takes her to bed
- He takes a nap
- He becomes abusive: emotionally, verbally, physically
- He treats her badly
- He is inattentive and could care less about her
- He goes his own way and does what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and who he wants to do it with
- He needs sex again
- He begins to be good to her again
- He is attentive and demonstrates caring
- He is possibly even romantic
- He takes her to bed
You get the idea.
Bad boys are interested in only one thing. The women who fall prey to these manipulative jerks are victims because they allow their love to overwhelm their better sense.
There is another factor to consider when analyzing what it is that causes good women to be attracted to bad boys.
These men also represent flirtations with danger or being able to venture into experiences they have never had before. Women who have lived straight lives, whether that be the result of being raised in a more conservative manner or having come out of a more sterile kind of marriage relationship, can be willing victims for these predators.
Like the proverbial fly who wants to get close enough to the fire and not be burned, bad boys serve as tour guides into the seemy side of life.
As a result, regardless of repetative breakups and reconsciliations, they have no idea that they have already flown too close to the fire and have been badly burned.
If you recognize yourself on this page, perhaps it is time to reach out and get some serious help before it is too late.
